Thoughts about an Intensive Outpatient Program

Well, tomorrow could decide the direction of the rest of my life. After my worst OCD episode yet, I'm at a crossroads: Should I attend an intensive outpatient program for OCD?

I'm blessed to live in a city that hosts one of the 10 programs of its kind. Called an IOP, it would likely be 10 weeks of 3-hour individual therapy, group therapy, and exposure and response prevention, and I would be encouraged to leave my job to focus on the task. Attending the IOP would be a radical step in my learning to deal with OCD, and not even 2 weeks ago I was dead set on going after months of desperation. Now, the night before my intake appointment, I'm trying to gather the thoughts and questions that have run through my head since I scheduled the meeting a month ago.

What will I get out of it?
Will it be helpful at this stage, since I seem to be doing better at this moment?
How will the IOP help me to be prepared when unforeseen episodes strike?
Is there a better medication for me in light of my goals for my life?
What kind of ERP exposures will I do given that most of my OCD is pure obsession?
Should I go?

The decision I make tomorrow could mean I'm putting my life on pause for 10 weeks. My husband, of course, is supportive, as he encouraged me to at least go to the intake appointment. I will, with my notepad of questions in-hand.

Life on an Atypical Antipsychotic

The word sounds scary. Antipsychotic. A holistic doctor suggested I seek another opinion because of side effects, but when my psychiatrist proposed adding one to my antidepressant, I thought I'd give it a go. After all, he had known my case for years, and he saw that last month when I began this treatment I was still very, very depressed. Since my last two posts, I'm sure you can infer that things have been bad. The drug is one that's given to people with schizophrenia. Another scary word. But I trusted my doctor, and my husband, who also was up for trying something different. It was hard to tell what would happen. I was up some days, and down others. But the down days were really bad. I could cry for hours. OCD thoughts had taken me down so far, further than I had ever gone; it was terrible. It's been over a month now that I've been on the drug. I'm not planning on taking it for much longer; my goal was to take it long enough to get myself out of the ditch I was in. I'm on the smallest dose prescribed; it's used in much higher doses to treat patients with schizophrenia. I have improved. It was gradual with a few bumps in the road, and I'm still climbing. Counterproductive as it sometimes may be, I know I'm feeling better when I'm plotting ways and reasons to stop taking the medicine! But on my husband's advice, I'm taking it slow and waiting until I see the doctor... I am a little nervous about what happens when I stop, but I can't leave it in anyone's hands but God's.

To Hell and....

...On my way back, hopefully?

My last post makes it seem as if things have been cheery and I've been alright. Not so. This was my WORST OCD episode yet, and it really threw me for a loop. I didn't do a very good job documenting it, but since my last post a lot has happened.

The episode has lasted for a month. I had been to the ER twice. I wasn't sleeping. I had been given Xanex, Ativan, and Restoril (not for use all at once, of course). When I tried to eat, I gagged and sometimes threw up. It was as if I was killing myself, but couldn't stop it.

As always, I felt dissociated. Nothing felt familiar to me. I wasn't me, my house wasn't my house, my husband felt unknown...all scary things. I couldn't control my thoughts. They were going where I didn't want them to go, threatening things most dear to me. Fear overtook me. I had thoughts of death, not that I would do anything to take my own life, but as the ER doctor said, "passive death wishes." If a car hit me on the highway it would have made things easier.

All this happened with the knowledge that it all wasn't real. Something had a hold of me, and I wasn't in control. Just a month ago my life was normal. I wanted it back.

I had been put on Prozac as a substitute for Celexa, the drug that has worked well for me in the past. I believe that the Prozac made me worse--not because it is a bad drug, but because it didn't work with my body chemistry for whatever reason. I have friends who have great success on Prozac, but you never know until you try, I guess. In any case, it had meant that I had lost about 3 weeks of recovery time. Now I'm back on Celexa and am glad that there is a drug that actually works for me. I'm praying it has the same effect it had in the past.

My anxiety had moved from my job to that of things I had obsessed about in the past, plus new things. It moved to scrupulosity, and made me feel apart from God, something that I'm still wrestling with. The job stress was still there, however, and I knew I would eventually need to make a decision: would I stay or leave? Was it good for me? Was I made for it? Probably not was the answer to all of those questions. I was at a standstill, unable to figure a way out of my predicament.

My husband, loving as he is, decided I needed to leave. So I did, and now I'm looking for something else.

He was right--taking my job out of the equation went a long way to helping me to deal with this episode. I still have OCD, but we've relieved one of the pressures. Instead of moping around the house I will be out job hunting, and it will be harder for my mind to be occupied with OCD worries.

On the Slow Upswing

Wow. Over the past few days I have nearly come full circle, but I'm coming back from a freakout...

The job stress was just part of the issue. The other part is some personal family stuff. The issues were all combined and tangled. Where I found peace with one aspect of the conundrum a month before (prompting me go to off meds), I found conflict with another. It all had to fit together or I would be totally lost.

When this happens, I feel life stop. I slept 40 minutes the other night, and I was spinning out of control. With no meds I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and then there's the lovely physical symptoms that come with panic attacks. When I wanted to sleep I felt horribly alone and panicked. When I tried to eat, I gagged. It's a vicious cycle. I felt like my mind was on overdrive, I couldn't think objectively, I was totally out of control and I couldn't shut my mind off. I hated today. I hated tomorrow. I imagined that it would be easier if someone would just wreck into me out on the road, put me in the hospital, and everything would come into perspective. I was scared that I had gotten this way so quickly, and I KNOW it's because of the stress at my job and mistakenly thinking I could handle it unmedicated.

I talked to everyone: My pastor, my parents, my husband. I took 3 days off work to get things together--I simply couldn't handle anything, and am still not ready to handle work stuff. I have to take care of me. Fortunately I was able to see my therapist yesterday, AND the medicine doctor, so I am on the right track. My therapist found a way that it all fits together--the family stuff, the meds, the work. Honestly, to God be the glory for that because I was utterly incapable of coming to the conclusion she came up with, and Husband likes it, too. It's a decision that gives me the most peace.

Everyone was telling me I had to go back on meds, but it didn't match up with the other part of the puzzle, the personal stuff. I was afraid it meant that I was simply going back on meds in order to work at a job that I find overwhelming anyway. But my therapist helped me to see the big picture. The important thing I learned is that if I ever plan to be unmedicated, I have to take a less-stressful job, and I am 100% ok with that.

Last night I went to a sporting event after not working all day and not having slept more than 40 minutes in 38 hours. It was a good distraction, but work stuff was still on my mind. I had hope in knowing that in a few days I'll have more meds in my system. (I actually am trying a new kind this time.) When we got home I took an Ativan as recommended by my doctor and slept last night. I didn't even hear my husband get up this morning for work until he kissed me on the forehead when he left. I tend to fear sleeping pills and medicine of that type, but I know that I need sleep to start to heal the damage I've caused over the past few days. I'm actually hungry, too!

Some readers of this blog have said that OCD follows you everywhere. Indeed it does. When it is time to take a lesser paying job, I will surely encounter stresses, but my thinking is that they are of a more manageable scale.

Today work is still on my mind, and I keep fighting to let it go. At this point I think I just have to accept that, and use my tools that my therapist gave me when it comes up. I'm tired, but I won't take an Ativan until tonight because I think it's smart to stay on a normal sleep routine.

There is a spiritual aspect that I've realized, too. It always feels like I learn it and re-learn it, but I have never committed to it. I need to learn to relinquish control to God. He created me, He knows what I need, and the whole of my life is in his hands. My pastor says something that I like: "Don't finish God's story." I guess I never realized how much of a perfectionist control freak I am. I mean, from my perspective, I'm in the driver's seat! I'm hoping someone will step out in front of me who is willing to help me learn to surrender.

Totally Freaking Out

I am off my meds. They are completely out of my system. I can't handle job stress anymore. I am completely overwhelmed with work and feel that there is a huge responsibility on me to get everything correct. I have tasks upon tasks and I can't stop thinking about them. I have not slept tonight, and barely the night before that.

I don't even know how I got to this point. Work responsibilities have been ramping up, and I've been frazzled since November. At first it felt invigorating to be so busy--"Wow, look at all the work I can do! I feel alive!" But now I'm worn out.

I have spoken to everyone I know about it: My husband, my pastor, my mom and my in-laws. All have differing opinions on what I should be doing, but the only thing I feel like doing is leaving the job because I don't think I can handle it off my meds.

But then the question creeps in, "What if I leave and it doesn't get better?" Do I need to leave and attend an intensive outpatient program at a Psychiatric Institute nearby? Will it help? It will be expensive...

What do I do today? Do I go to work after not sleeping and use the tactics my pastor thinks will help me get through the day, like definitely taking a lunch, talking to my bosses about my stress, and walking around the office throughout the day? Am I not cut out for a job so trying now that I'm off my meds? Should I look for something more menial? Can we afford it? Will my husband and family be upset with me?

I pray about this all. God has shown me passages in the Bible that echo what I'm feeling, but I'm not sure where he is in all of this. I know my fears surround "finishing God's story for my life," or chasing fears down a path into the future that only He can control. I really want to know that in my soul, but OCD wants me to have control.

I don't think I am fit to go to work today, but I don't know what I would do otherwise. Wallow like I have done all night? Maybe I should go. I will at least be able to get more work done....but then I am bringing work into the picture again.

What would you do?

Thoughts on Being Comfortable with Wanting

...Wanting what?

Anything.

Lately I've gotten myself bent out of shape over wanting things. If I want to get a certain amount of tasks done in a day and I can't because there are simply too many errands and demands, I feel tension in my stomach as I try to wrestle with it all. If I want a particular task to be easy, when it's not I stress about it. If I think, "I'm coming off my medicine and I'm anxious as all hell," I get twisted up inside because I want to be able to handle stress better. It's like an internal temper tantrum, and it's unproductive. All it does is cause me physical distress.

My plan, when this happens, is to remind myself these things:
- I am wasting energy trying to control everything
- The reason I'm feeling physical symptoms of stress is because I'm too caught up in wanting things to be a certain way. I need to let go.

- "Take it as it comes." This is a mantra that, for some reason, hit home for me.

- "It is what it is." There's another mantra that just "clicks" in my mind as a way for me to let go of wanting to control things.

- I would have an easier time if I accepted the want, rather than feeling like I must succumb to it. Ex: I don't HAVE to have that sweater, even though I'm obsessing over it and I feel a real, physical pull to go buy it. Despite that, it is what it is.

When I realize these things, the tension loosens a little. I'm not saying this is a cure-all, but I think I can learn to employ this self-talk in a way that IS productive. It's like I'm taking higher ground over the desire. If I can slow down the now automatic physical response I feel when things are getting out of control (queasy stomach, rapid breathing, obsessions), I can get a better handle on it.

There is a bigger aspect to this all: I feel spiritually driven to come off my medicine at this point in my life. When I put these newly-realized anxiety symptoms into that perspective, it's easier to accept them.

Are there things that you want for which wanting has control of you? What can you let go of?

It's Getting Sticky...

"How do you let things go?" a good friend, Carly, asked. I was embarassed that I didn't have a clear cut answer.

Now, a month after I've started stepping down off my meds and my responsibilities at work are ramping up, the "things" I'm having trouble letting go of are work-related. Work thoughts are getting sticky.

It's not "OMG someone is going to get hurt because of me," but it's trending toward the same types of thoughts. What if I make a mistake that costs more than my own time? What if we lose a customer because of me? Gotta think of all the things I need to do.

It's difficult to leave work at work, and it's upsetting that work issues are more salient in my mind than Christmas is right now. I want to be excited, not stressed. When I realize that at 6:00 in the evening after a rough 9 hours, it makes me angry. I want control of my emotions, whether they be related to OCD fears or not.

But Carly had the answer for me without realizing it. The key isn't control, but relinquishing control. That's what I need to work on.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Next up I'm going to think of some concreate ways that I can do it.

I'm Coming Off My Meds!

No, it's not because I'm cured or because I don't think I need them. Because of reasons personal to me I will be making some changes. One of them is to step down off my OCD medication.

It seems like each time I tell someone new about this change I'm met with surprise! I understand. It's dramatic! Two years ago I accepted that I would need to be on medication forever. That may still be the case, but there are reasons why I want to try to go forward without them.

What makes this time different than every other time I've stopped taking medication is this time I fully recognize my need for the help they provide.

In the past when I've stopped taking my medication I mistakenly believed that I had gotten through the tough spots of my life. Things would be better. This time I realize this could be one of the toughest spots yet.

That's why I'll continue to attend my OCD GOAL group--religiously! I'll continue to seek the counsel of my friends there. (They might even see a more needy side of me they haven't seen while I was on medication!) I've also committed to regular appointments with my OCD therapist. I'll also probably need to read more OCD blogs. Finally, to battle the scrupulosity aspect of my OCD, my faith in God continues to grow, and I know my pastor and friends have my back.

...All this to say I'm fully prepared! I already know it will be worth the struggle. While it seems like I'm making a decision to go it alone, I will actually have more support than ever before.

Still, I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers! : )

What I Learned from a Hypnotist

A hypnotist came to speak to our OCD GOAL group this week to address how hypnotism could be used to gain control of one's feelings and thoughts. Although what she had to say was a little too new-agey for me, I do agree with one's ability to affect one's physiology by working to gain control of one's runaway thoughts.

I didn't levitate, cluck like a chicken, or speak in tongues. At best one could call what I experienced "stumbling through a carefully scripted daydream." While the hypnotist described the ability to heal ourselves as having "all of the tools we need inside us," I really see it as having the capacity to improve the way we think.

She took us on a guided tour of our kitchens. She asked us to close our eyes and led us slowly through the motions of going to the fridge, taking out a lemon, slicing into it, and finally biting it. After we opened our eyes most of the people in the room described tasting the lemon, salivating, or feeling its sting pucker their lips. That was proof, she explained, that our bodies register everything our imaginations experience as if it actually were happening.

Do you see the direct application to OCD? When we worry that the worst is going to happen, it may as well have happened because our bodies don't know the difference. That's why it's so important to work on gaining control of what we do with our thoughts. If hypnotism can help us do that, if even only as proof that it's possible, so be it. As for me, I've gotten what I need to out of hypnotism already!

OCD: What Happens When We Don't Stick to the Facts

You're driving in a tunnel. The only two outbound lanes of traffic are both congested, but you're moving along at a good clip, say 40 mph. You see brake lights a few cars ahead of you. What do you do?

A) Nothing.
B) Watch the car in front of you to see when he applies his brakes.
C) Slam on your breaks, bringing your car to an immediate stop.

Now you're taking a walk. Your leg starts to hurt. What do you do?

A) Nothing--continue your walk.
B) Turn around and head home--you probably strained it.
C) Go home immediately and drive to the emergency room--it's probably knee cancer.

In the first question, what if you had slammed on the brakes? You would have crashed, causing a massive pile-up who knows how long, closing the tunnel for the rest of the afternoon until the accident could be cleaned up.

That's the what part of the question...here's the why: The reason for slamming on the brakes in the first situation would have been a misinterpretation of the facts. It's mistakenly following the logic of "brakelights mean stop." Black and white. (Or Red.) But really, seeing brakelights a few cars ahead more likely means that that car is slowing down. If that car is far enough ahead, you may not even need to take your foot off the gas!

I've said in another post that my brain doesn't often operate using linear thinking. The one inopportune time it does, though, is when I'm thinking like this, below:

The first line is a fact. The rest are interpretations of that fact, improper conclusions which are drawn from the prior conclusions, or unclear memories that I can't even confirm happened.

Fact: On Tuesday I walked my dog.
2. I put flea treatment on him a few days before Tuesday.
3. A little girl petted my dog.
4. I think I remember her petting him where the flea treatment was.
5. That little girl is going to put her fingers in her mouth.
6. She is going to get sick.
7. Her sickness will cause her to die.
8. I will be sued.
9. I will not be able to forgive myself.

Can you see where my logic fails? It happens in the space between nearly every so-called conclusion I make. By the end I've "concluded" myself into a scary situation, spiking my anxiety. If my OCD is bad enough at the time, I'll fixate on it and send myself into a deep depression.

When you find yourself thinking like this, don't jump to false conclusions. Think about the facts, and only the facts, if you want to live well with OCD.

Don't slam on your brakes.

The Beauty of OCD Friends

I posted a while ago I posted about the plusses of being part of an OCD support group. In honor of my group's upcoming summer picnic, I thought I'd talk about the benefits of making friends of your support group members.

• You look forward to seeing each other. For people with particularly debilitating OCD, or during times of intense struggle, seeing friends at my support group reminds me that OCD isn't all there is to my life. When I can look forward to hearing about what's going on in someone else's life, it takes the focus off of my own.
• You don't always have to talk about OCD. At the group, of course, the tendency is to talk about our afflictions. But sometimes that can get old, and sometimes we just want to talk about movies, our families, or our jobs. When you're genuinely friends with the people at your support group, it's easier to relate to each other on these more personal levels.
• You can go "way back." A number of the people with whom I attend the support group have known each other from other support groups, therapy sessions, and the like. This history creates a feeling of "I knew you when," whether the "when" was a hard time in someone's life, a good time in someone's life, or a benchmark for progress. The longer you attend support groups, the further back you'll go with the people there.
• You can relate. I recently made a friend outside of my OCD group with whom I can share my OCD struggles. She doesn't have OCD, but she can relate. In that way I know she understands me and how my mind works.

Here's to a fun-filled picnic this weekend!

Advice on Letting Go

Driving home today I realized how many times at work I heard myself say "It doesn't matter because next week I won't be here." Uncertainty about whether a project will be completed on time, discomfort over having unanswered questions, and frustration over a co-worker treating me poorly will all be moot points.

Three weeks ago it would not have been easy for me to say this--no matter what the reason! The only thing that changed in the meantime was getting the new job. When I finally got it, all the frustration and the pain became insignificant.

I thought about this and realized that in so many of my OCD worries I could use some help letting go. At my worst I'd lie awake, so late it's neither night nor morning, and repeat the phrase "I will not be tethered to this." In my delirium I even visualized myself chained to a large block of cement, willing the chain to break so that I could be freed from the worry that wracked my brain.

In my situation at work, I have a reason to let go of the worries--my new job. That's why it was so easy to do. Like a huge pair of scissors (or in the case of the worry that caused me to lose sleep, an industrial-sized pair of tin snips) focus on the new job severed my connection to the worry and frustration of the old one. Whatever happened in the past didn't matter. Whatever happens after I leave won't matter. The new job is so salient in my mind, and it affects everything about my current job, that it makes for a sharp, powerful weapon.

My challenge for you is this: Can you identify your scissors? What can you focus on so it's easier to let go?

New Job!

My recent posts were about job anxiety. I think that will subside now that I have a new job! But as I make the transition I'll be sure to post as to whether it spikes my OCD. I don't think it will...I'm so relieved to have found a better environment!

Holy Nails!

Nailbiting and skin picking is something I've always struggled with, even before I knew I had OCD. I have ugly hands with nails that dip way down past the quick. They sometimes bleed, and I pick and chew the cuticles and the skin around them, too. (Do you see the irony in this?! I'm a person whose OCD sometimes pertains to contamination, yet I have a nailbiting problem that leaves me with open wounds on my hands. But we already know OCD is illogical!) Perhaps it's an overlap into trichotillomania, I don't know, but there's definitely a nervousness-->compulsion-->satisfaction component involved.

Anyway, I was on vacation from work this week. That meant less time sitting at the computer, less time feeling frustrated by the people I work with, and less time worrying about whether I'll find a new job any time soon. It was simply free time during which my husband and I relaxed, went bicycling, paddled down a river in a canoe, and had lots of good dinners. All of this added up to the longest fingernails in a long while!

I'm hoping I can keep them growing. If anyone else out there has the same issue as I do, be it OCD-related or not, here's the most helpful advice I can offer: interrupt your fingers! While it's hard sometimes to interrupt your thoughts, it's easy to interrupt your fingers. To do so I stop and "play" a C scale on my trumpet (air trumpet, of course). The only enemy of this distraction is inattention; the air scale will work for me as long as I focus hard enough on it.

Wish me luck! : \

Three Ways I Handle Job Anxiety

"Whew." That's how I feel after every day at work. I've got a lot of stress at my job right now, so I thought I'd discipline myself enough to recognize three things I can do to handle it when it gets bad. Maybe it will help you, too.

1. Eat a good breakfast. On top of that, eat a good dinner! Today was particularly stressful. I'm talking crying-in-the-bathroom stressful. I didn't sleep well last night, which probably amplified my emotions. I didn't sleep well because I didn't eat well yesterday. To top it all off, I didn't recover by eating a little more today to even it all out. It sounds silly, but I know my body and my mind get a little bit off kilter I dfon't eat well enough.
2. Take time to pause. I have a pause button, and it's my husband. Today I called him to vent, about to react inappropriately to something. Just that little bit of time speaking with him diffused my frustration a little. It didn't take the frustrating issue away, it just helped me to step back and take a break.
3. Know where to find a friend. In the middle of a bad day at work, I know I can trust my friend to "meet me in the second floor bathroom." There we hash it out away from the rest of the people in my office (we're on the 5th floor).

If tomorrow is like today, I'm going to keep these things in mind.

OCD and Embracing the Grey Areas

I realized something this week about my OCD that I've never noticed before. I'm uncomfortable with grey areas.

It's true in so many ways: I fear that I've done something wrong, and strive to always do right. I'm obsessed with knowing; not knowing is bad, and knowing is good. I want to know that something either will never happen, because the only other option is that it absolutely will. (I'm over-simplifying in every example, but at the core of nearly every issue is tension between extremes.)

If, after assessing each issue in question I fall on the less-desirable side of the grey, I have to do whatever it takes to traverse the expanse. When I can't, I'm wracked by anxiety. If I've done something wrong, I have to apologize and try to make it right. Sometimes I even try to reverse what I've done. If I don't know something, I feel guilty out of some obligation to know. And we all know what happens when a person with OCD has trouble with the uncertainty that a worst fear may come true.

To further complicate things, I'm impatient. I can't wait to decide that something falls on one side of the grey area or the other.

This impatience comes out in the real world, too (vs. the world of fear inside). Say I'm waiting for a boss to make a decision. Is he going to decide that we're going to take this job, or not? If we are then I have to start working right away because the deadline is approaching. If not then I can do other work. I'm either all in, or I'm moving on.

There's a responsibility issue all wrapped up in this, too. Something is either all my fault, or I'm 100% in the clear. Say I'm driving to work. I see a man coming out of the woods. What if he just got done burying a body? If I don't say something then when the murder is uncovered, the death will be all my fault.

I thought about it wonderment and asked why this hasn't come to me sooner; it would be the perfect exposure to practice in my GOAL group, but I'm not even sure I know how to approach it.

People aren't all good or all bad. There is such thing as only half getting it. The very antidote to fear is living in the grey area. Any ideas for helping me see that?

~~~~~~~

If you have any ideas for exposures to tackle the discomfort of grey areas, post them here! If you don't know what an exposure is or are new to OCD and ERP, a good place to start is wikipedia, with the search term "exposure and response prevention."

A Blogger's Homecoming

Man, it's been a while...

But I'm making a concerted effort to come back here. Often.

I've been noticing the little things creep up for me. I think I'm fine, but it's the seemingly insignificant checks I'll do, or the few minutes too long I spend thinking about something, that reminds me that OCD is always with me. I need to be here, writing, logging, reflecting--monitoring my progress.

Today I was reminded that I need this in my life. The more mental energy this blog takes up, that's just a little less for OCD to occupy.

Overcompensating for OCD

So much about living with OCD is about not doing what our minds tell us we have to do. If I listened to mine all the time, I'd have to check that I haven't offended a friend. I'd have to apologize again.

I'd have to get the medical test done to make sure I'm healthy. I'd have to explain myself repeatedly to make sure I'm understood.

If not, anxiety and panic ensue. But when I get in a rhythm of saying no to my mind, it can actually be satisfying to deprive myself of this pressure.

It's part of why Exposure and Response Prevention works for some people: We expose ourselves to what makes us anxious in order that the response, the panic, subsides with repetition. And for me it does, when I work with my therapist and support group.

But suppose you have hoarding issues (patterns that are closely related to OCD). Maybe you collect everything you can find--plastic bags, Tupperware containers, pens and pencils, old keys, anything--for no real reason other the paralyzing fear that these items will go to waste.

Maybe you're afraid that letting go of these things, if it really does mean you're being wasteful, will make you a bad person. This obsession with pragmatism has your house brimming with stuff you'll never use, and you can't find the articles you actually need.

So you're this person, and say a friend offers to help you by having a yard sale. (This is really tempting for you because you've been trying to work on the hoarding for your own sake, and the clean-up for practicality's sake.)

But here's the question: You know that if you have a yard sale, you're bound to find shoppers who will buy what you have. If someone buys the pens he's probably restocking a home office. If someone buys the keys she needs them for a craft project. The items are being used, not wasted.

But are you really confronting your OCD if you're ultimately satisfying the same goal that has you hung up--absolute practicality at any cost? Aren't you just feeding the fear?

My answer to this question is: "Stop thinking!" You're taking it too far. Maybe it's a little perfectionism setting in. In any case, it's keeping you from being productive and actually making progress at cleaning your house.

The question persists: If you were REALLY trying to practice ERP, wouldn't you throw everything away, in the trash, where it's certain nobody would ever find a use for your discards? Maybe. But that's just doing the opposite for opposite's sake. If you struggled with contamination, the tenets of ERP wouldn't require you to drink urine, would they?

We don't need to overcompensate for OCD. We just need to find our comfort zones...the place where healthy minds of the world function every day.

The New International OCD Foundation

You may not know it, but there is an organization out there that was created especially for us! It's called the International OCD Foundation, (formerly the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation). There are even local affiliates across the country. Here is a brief look into what the foundation can do for you:

1. Find out how you can participate in OCD research. The International OCD Foundation posts information on clinical studies on its website. They aim to find answers on hoarding, body dysmorphic disorder, obsessions, compulsions, and the like. See how you can be a part of the research.
2. Find a treatment provider. The organization has compiled a list of doctors who treat OCD and related disorders. While they have not evaluated the effectiveness of the providers, it is a good place to start your own investigation into finding some help. Find a doctor in your area, or search intensive treatment programs by state.
3. Find a support group. I used the OC Foundation to find my support group, and I have already testified to the benefits I've experienced by going--accountability, objectivity, and community. Here's how the International OCD Foundation can help you find a support group of your own.
4. Learn more about OCD. There's advice for parents of children with OCD, a list of books on OCD, and links to other websites and foundations. Visit http://www.ocfoundation.org/ to see what's there.
5. Support the foundation. If you find the organization helpful or want to help fulfill its mission, make a donation or become a member.

Vote for Me, Please!

I've entered Wellsphere's Health Blogger Awards Competition. If you vote for me, and ask your other OCD friends to vote for me (if you like my blog, of course) I could be one of the top 100 people's health bloggers in the Wellsphere community!


Unfortunately since my site is anonymous, I can't send links out to family members like other bloggers can (and will), but that's a self-imposed handicap and I'll take it if I have to.


Click the button in the sidebar to cast your vote! It's much appreciated! Or, if you REALLY love me, and you have a website of your own, here's a link to my profile page at Wellsphere where there are instructions for posting your very own badge: http://www.wellsphere.com/bloggerSupporters.s?personId=148887


(If you haven't checked out Wellsphere, there's a wealth of knowledge there and it's growing daily at http://www.wellsphere.com/.)