Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Totally Freaking Out

I am off my meds. They are completely out of my system. I can't handle job stress anymore. I am completely overwhelmed with work and feel that there is a huge responsibility on me to get everything correct. I have tasks upon tasks and I can't stop thinking about them. I have not slept tonight, and barely the night before that.

I don't even know how I got to this point. Work responsibilities have been ramping up, and I've been frazzled since November. At first it felt invigorating to be so busy--"Wow, look at all the work I can do! I feel alive!" But now I'm worn out.

I have spoken to everyone I know about it: My husband, my pastor, my mom and my in-laws. All have differing opinions on what I should be doing, but the only thing I feel like doing is leaving the job because I don't think I can handle it off my meds.

But then the question creeps in, "What if I leave and it doesn't get better?" Do I need to leave and attend an intensive outpatient program at a Psychiatric Institute nearby? Will it help? It will be expensive...

What do I do today? Do I go to work after not sleeping and use the tactics my pastor thinks will help me get through the day, like definitely taking a lunch, talking to my bosses about my stress, and walking around the office throughout the day? Am I not cut out for a job so trying now that I'm off my meds? Should I look for something more menial? Can we afford it? Will my husband and family be upset with me?

I pray about this all. God has shown me passages in the Bible that echo what I'm feeling, but I'm not sure where he is in all of this. I know my fears surround "finishing God's story for my life," or chasing fears down a path into the future that only He can control. I really want to know that in my soul, but OCD wants me to have control.

I don't think I am fit to go to work today, but I don't know what I would do otherwise. Wallow like I have done all night? Maybe I should go. I will at least be able to get more work done....but then I am bringing work into the picture again.

What would you do?


  1. I know you feel strongly that you should be off meds. But it seems that all signs are pointing to, your life works better with meds and not so good without them. Perhaps this is the message God is trying to send?

    I do not have anything close to the whole story of course.

  2. I've been there! I left an incredibly stressful job in June due to all the "angst" you are referring to! In fact - it was partially the job that sent me into my latest OCD slam. My advice - try to go to work. Staying home and wallowing will just make it worse. But in the meantime give some serious consideration to whether the type of stress you have at work is helpful for you. At the moment I am working part-time in a much lower paying, much-less-responsibility-job and it feels AWESOME!!! Hang in there!

  3. If it were me, I'd take the day off, try to get some rest, and then start my meds back up again. But that's just me....I'd rather deal with all that meds entail, if it means that I can function. But maybe I'm just a coward. I hate feeling out of control.
    If you, however, do not want to go back on meds, then it's probably gonna be a long hard road. You're just going to have to face it and find a really really good therapist who can give you tools to cope.
    I'm so sorry you're having such rough time. OCD's hell - but if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger!
    Good luck - I'll keep you in my prayers.

  4. So sorry. I'm still very confused about anxiety disorders and the Bible and all that. I'm a Christian and I have OCD and that doesn't make sense to me. I'm trying medication, but am not convinced that I'm on the right stuff (though my psychiatrist is satisfied with it). I hate the no-sleeping/less sleeping thing - I know my attitudes don't help it, but eventually, it's exhausting to loose a bunch of sleep over a while. I hate missing work, but one time, taking almost a whole week off (with a doctor's note) did help me - I felt like i could handle life for a couple days the next week.

  5. When I went off my meds I wasn't in treatment for my OCD and I was unraveling. I did go back on meds, but even more important was seeing an Exposure therapist, and starting to do exposures. Yes, exposure therapy is expensive but it is an investment in your future. The OCD most likely will find a way to worm its way into your life, even if you don't have to go to work, at least that is my experience. I finally had to face that my OCD wasn't just going to randomly go away, but that I needed to actually do treatment. Jonathan Grayson's book really helped me get motivated to find a therapist. Hang in there!

  6. I appreciate all your comments. I feel a little better now, and I'm about to sit down and write.

    Abigail, what doesn't make sense to you? I'm a Christian with OCD and I'd love to talk about this with you. Feel free to email me. I know that for me, the deepseated spiritual issue is giving control back to God. That is something for which I need to find someone with whom I can DAILY be in contact to work on this and grow. I have never learned that God has control. I know it, but I don't believe it in my gut, I guess. I also hear you about taking time off. I have taken 3 days, and I have hope that by then I will be able to handle things.

    Shana, I hear you about the meds. I KNOW they work for me, and there is such a hope I have while I wait and watch for them to ramp back up in my system.

    1. I hear you on the God and OCD thing. A lot of my OCD is inter woven with judgement, responsiblity and ultimately God. I wonder sometimes what "the plan" is for my life with this disorder? I have issues also with letting go and trusting God.