I am off my meds. They are completely out of my system. I can't handle job stress anymore. I am completely overwhelmed with work and feel that there is a huge responsibility on me to get everything correct. I have tasks upon tasks and I can't stop thinking about them. I have not slept tonight, and barely the night before that.
I don't even know how I got to this point. Work responsibilities have been ramping up, and I've been frazzled since November. At first it felt invigorating to be so busy--"Wow, look at all the work I can do! I feel alive!" But now I'm worn out.
I have spoken to everyone I know about it: My husband, my pastor, my mom and my in-laws. All have differing opinions on what I should be doing, but the only thing I feel like doing is leaving the job because I don't think I can handle it off my meds.
But then the question creeps in, "What if I leave and it doesn't get better?" Do I need to leave and attend an intensive outpatient program at a Psychiatric Institute nearby? Will it help? It will be expensive...
What do I do today? Do I go to work after not sleeping and use the tactics my pastor thinks will help me get through the day, like definitely taking a lunch, talking to my bosses about my stress, and walking around the office throughout the day? Am I not cut out for a job so trying now that I'm off my meds? Should I look for something more menial? Can we afford it? Will my husband and family be upset with me?
I pray about this all. God has shown me passages in the Bible that echo what I'm feeling, but I'm not sure where he is in all of this. I know my fears surround "finishing God's story for my life," or chasing fears down a path into the future that only He can control. I really want to know that in my soul, but OCD wants me to have control.
I don't think I am fit to go to work today, but I don't know what I would do otherwise. Wallow like I have done all night? Maybe I should go. I will at least be able to get more work done....but then I am bringing work into the picture again.
What would you do?
4 weeks ago