Holy Nails!

Nailbiting and skin picking is something I've always struggled with, even before I knew I had OCD. I have ugly hands with nails that dip way down past the quick. They sometimes bleed, and I pick and chew the cuticles and the skin around them, too. (Do you see the irony in this?! I'm a person whose OCD sometimes pertains to contamination, yet I have a nailbiting problem that leaves me with open wounds on my hands. But we already know OCD is illogical!) Perhaps it's an overlap into trichotillomania, I don't know, but there's definitely a nervousness-->compulsion-->satisfaction component involved.

Anyway, I was on vacation from work this week. That meant less time sitting at the computer, less time feeling frustrated by the people I work with, and less time worrying about whether I'll find a new job any time soon. It was simply free time during which my husband and I relaxed, went bicycling, paddled down a river in a canoe, and had lots of good dinners. All of this added up to the longest fingernails in a long while!

I'm hoping I can keep them growing. If anyone else out there has the same issue as I do, be it OCD-related or not, here's the most helpful advice I can offer: interrupt your fingers! While it's hard sometimes to interrupt your thoughts, it's easy to interrupt your fingers. To do so I stop and "play" a C scale on my trumpet (air trumpet, of course). The only enemy of this distraction is inattention; the air scale will work for me as long as I focus hard enough on it.

Wish me luck! : \

Three Ways I Handle Job Anxiety

"Whew." That's how I feel after every day at work. I've got a lot of stress at my job right now, so I thought I'd discipline myself enough to recognize three things I can do to handle it when it gets bad. Maybe it will help you, too.

1. Eat a good breakfast. On top of that, eat a good dinner! Today was particularly stressful. I'm talking crying-in-the-bathroom stressful. I didn't sleep well last night, which probably amplified my emotions. I didn't sleep well because I didn't eat well yesterday. To top it all off, I didn't recover by eating a little more today to even it all out. It sounds silly, but I know my body and my mind get a little bit off kilter I dfon't eat well enough.
2. Take time to pause. I have a pause button, and it's my husband. Today I called him to vent, about to react inappropriately to something. Just that little bit of time speaking with him diffused my frustration a little. It didn't take the frustrating issue away, it just helped me to step back and take a break.
3. Know where to find a friend. In the middle of a bad day at work, I know I can trust my friend to "meet me in the second floor bathroom." There we hash it out away from the rest of the people in my office (we're on the 5th floor).

If tomorrow is like today, I'm going to keep these things in mind.

OCD and Embracing the Grey Areas

I realized something this week about my OCD that I've never noticed before. I'm uncomfortable with grey areas.

It's true in so many ways: I fear that I've done something wrong, and strive to always do right. I'm obsessed with knowing; not knowing is bad, and knowing is good. I want to know that something either will never happen, because the only other option is that it absolutely will. (I'm over-simplifying in every example, but at the core of nearly every issue is tension between extremes.)

If, after assessing each issue in question I fall on the less-desirable side of the grey, I have to do whatever it takes to traverse the expanse. When I can't, I'm wracked by anxiety. If I've done something wrong, I have to apologize and try to make it right. Sometimes I even try to reverse what I've done. If I don't know something, I feel guilty out of some obligation to know. And we all know what happens when a person with OCD has trouble with the uncertainty that a worst fear may come true.

To further complicate things, I'm impatient. I can't wait to decide that something falls on one side of the grey area or the other.

This impatience comes out in the real world, too (vs. the world of fear inside). Say I'm waiting for a boss to make a decision. Is he going to decide that we're going to take this job, or not? If we are then I have to start working right away because the deadline is approaching. If not then I can do other work. I'm either all in, or I'm moving on.

There's a responsibility issue all wrapped up in this, too. Something is either all my fault, or I'm 100% in the clear. Say I'm driving to work. I see a man coming out of the woods. What if he just got done burying a body? If I don't say something then when the murder is uncovered, the death will be all my fault.

I thought about it wonderment and asked why this hasn't come to me sooner; it would be the perfect exposure to practice in my GOAL group, but I'm not even sure I know how to approach it.

People aren't all good or all bad. There is such thing as only half getting it. The very antidote to fear is living in the grey area. Any ideas for helping me see that?

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If you have any ideas for exposures to tackle the discomfort of grey areas, post them here! If you don't know what an exposure is or are new to OCD and ERP, a good place to start is wikipedia, with the search term "exposure and response prevention."

A Blogger's Homecoming

Man, it's been a while...

But I'm making a concerted effort to come back here. Often.

I've been noticing the little things creep up for me. I think I'm fine, but it's the seemingly insignificant checks I'll do, or the few minutes too long I spend thinking about something, that reminds me that OCD is always with me. I need to be here, writing, logging, reflecting--monitoring my progress.

Today I was reminded that I need this in my life. The more mental energy this blog takes up, that's just a little less for OCD to occupy.

Overcompensating for OCD

So much about living with OCD is about not doing what our minds tell us we have to do. If I listened to mine all the time, I'd have to check that I haven't offended a friend. I'd have to apologize again.

I'd have to get the medical test done to make sure I'm healthy. I'd have to explain myself repeatedly to make sure I'm understood.

If not, anxiety and panic ensue. But when I get in a rhythm of saying no to my mind, it can actually be satisfying to deprive myself of this pressure.

It's part of why Exposure and Response Prevention works for some people: We expose ourselves to what makes us anxious in order that the response, the panic, subsides with repetition. And for me it does, when I work with my therapist and support group.

But suppose you have hoarding issues (patterns that are closely related to OCD). Maybe you collect everything you can find--plastic bags, Tupperware containers, pens and pencils, old keys, anything--for no real reason other the paralyzing fear that these items will go to waste.

Maybe you're afraid that letting go of these things, if it really does mean you're being wasteful, will make you a bad person. This obsession with pragmatism has your house brimming with stuff you'll never use, and you can't find the articles you actually need.

So you're this person, and say a friend offers to help you by having a yard sale. (This is really tempting for you because you've been trying to work on the hoarding for your own sake, and the clean-up for practicality's sake.)

But here's the question: You know that if you have a yard sale, you're bound to find shoppers who will buy what you have. If someone buys the pens he's probably restocking a home office. If someone buys the keys she needs them for a craft project. The items are being used, not wasted.

But are you really confronting your OCD if you're ultimately satisfying the same goal that has you hung up--absolute practicality at any cost? Aren't you just feeding the fear?

My answer to this question is: "Stop thinking!" You're taking it too far. Maybe it's a little perfectionism setting in. In any case, it's keeping you from being productive and actually making progress at cleaning your house.

The question persists: If you were REALLY trying to practice ERP, wouldn't you throw everything away, in the trash, where it's certain nobody would ever find a use for your discards? Maybe. But that's just doing the opposite for opposite's sake. If you struggled with contamination, the tenets of ERP wouldn't require you to drink urine, would they?

We don't need to overcompensate for OCD. We just need to find our comfort zones...the place where healthy minds of the world function every day.

The New International OCD Foundation

You may not know it, but there is an organization out there that was created especially for us! It's called the International OCD Foundation, (formerly the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation). There are even local affiliates across the country. Here is a brief look into what the foundation can do for you:

1. Find out how you can participate in OCD research. The International OCD Foundation posts information on clinical studies on its website. They aim to find answers on hoarding, body dysmorphic disorder, obsessions, compulsions, and the like. See how you can be a part of the research.
2. Find a treatment provider. The organization has compiled a list of doctors who treat OCD and related disorders. While they have not evaluated the effectiveness of the providers, it is a good place to start your own investigation into finding some help. Find a doctor in your area, or search intensive treatment programs by state.
3. Find a support group. I used the OC Foundation to find my support group, and I have already testified to the benefits I've experienced by going--accountability, objectivity, and community. Here's how the International OCD Foundation can help you find a support group of your own.
4. Learn more about OCD. There's advice for parents of children with OCD, a list of books on OCD, and links to other websites and foundations. Visit http://www.ocfoundation.org/ to see what's there.
5. Support the foundation. If you find the organization helpful or want to help fulfill its mission, make a donation or become a member.

Vote for Me, Please!

I've entered Wellsphere's Health Blogger Awards Competition. If you vote for me, and ask your other OCD friends to vote for me (if you like my blog, of course) I could be one of the top 100 people's health bloggers in the Wellsphere community!


Unfortunately since my site is anonymous, I can't send links out to family members like other bloggers can (and will), but that's a self-imposed handicap and I'll take it if I have to.


Click the button in the sidebar to cast your vote! It's much appreciated! Or, if you REALLY love me, and you have a website of your own, here's a link to my profile page at Wellsphere where there are instructions for posting your very own badge: http://www.wellsphere.com/bloggerSupporters.s?personId=148887


(If you haven't checked out Wellsphere, there's a wealth of knowledge there and it's growing daily at http://www.wellsphere.com/.)