It's Getting Sticky...

"How do you let things go?" a good friend, Carly, asked. I was embarassed that I didn't have a clear cut answer.

Now, a month after I've started stepping down off my meds and my responsibilities at work are ramping up, the "things" I'm having trouble letting go of are work-related. Work thoughts are getting sticky.

It's not "OMG someone is going to get hurt because of me," but it's trending toward the same types of thoughts. What if I make a mistake that costs more than my own time? What if we lose a customer because of me? Gotta think of all the things I need to do.

It's difficult to leave work at work, and it's upsetting that work issues are more salient in my mind than Christmas is right now. I want to be excited, not stressed. When I realize that at 6:00 in the evening after a rough 9 hours, it makes me angry. I want control of my emotions, whether they be related to OCD fears or not.

But Carly had the answer for me without realizing it. The key isn't control, but relinquishing control. That's what I need to work on.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Next up I'm going to think of some concreate ways that I can do it.

I'm Coming Off My Meds!

No, it's not because I'm cured or because I don't think I need them. Because of reasons personal to me I will be making some changes. One of them is to step down off my OCD medication.

It seems like each time I tell someone new about this change I'm met with surprise! I understand. It's dramatic! Two years ago I accepted that I would need to be on medication forever. That may still be the case, but there are reasons why I want to try to go forward without them.

What makes this time different than every other time I've stopped taking medication is this time I fully recognize my need for the help they provide.

In the past when I've stopped taking my medication I mistakenly believed that I had gotten through the tough spots of my life. Things would be better. This time I realize this could be one of the toughest spots yet.

That's why I'll continue to attend my OCD GOAL group--religiously! I'll continue to seek the counsel of my friends there. (They might even see a more needy side of me they haven't seen while I was on medication!) I've also committed to regular appointments with my OCD therapist. I'll also probably need to read more OCD blogs. Finally, to battle the scrupulosity aspect of my OCD, my faith in God continues to grow, and I know my pastor and friends have my back.

...All this to say I'm fully prepared! I already know it will be worth the struggle. While it seems like I'm making a decision to go it alone, I will actually have more support than ever before.

Still, I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers! : )

What I Learned from a Hypnotist

A hypnotist came to speak to our OCD GOAL group this week to address how hypnotism could be used to gain control of one's feelings and thoughts. Although what she had to say was a little too new-agey for me, I do agree with one's ability to affect one's physiology by working to gain control of one's runaway thoughts.

I didn't levitate, cluck like a chicken, or speak in tongues. At best one could call what I experienced "stumbling through a carefully scripted daydream." While the hypnotist described the ability to heal ourselves as having "all of the tools we need inside us," I really see it as having the capacity to improve the way we think.

She took us on a guided tour of our kitchens. She asked us to close our eyes and led us slowly through the motions of going to the fridge, taking out a lemon, slicing into it, and finally biting it. After we opened our eyes most of the people in the room described tasting the lemon, salivating, or feeling its sting pucker their lips. That was proof, she explained, that our bodies register everything our imaginations experience as if it actually were happening.

Do you see the direct application to OCD? When we worry that the worst is going to happen, it may as well have happened because our bodies don't know the difference. That's why it's so important to work on gaining control of what we do with our thoughts. If hypnotism can help us do that, if even only as proof that it's possible, so be it. As for me, I've gotten what I need to out of hypnotism already!

OCD: What Happens When We Don't Stick to the Facts

You're driving in a tunnel. The only two outbound lanes of traffic are both congested, but you're moving along at a good clip, say 40 mph. You see brake lights a few cars ahead of you. What do you do?

A) Nothing.
B) Watch the car in front of you to see when he applies his brakes.
C) Slam on your breaks, bringing your car to an immediate stop.

Now you're taking a walk. Your leg starts to hurt. What do you do?

A) Nothing--continue your walk.
B) Turn around and head home--you probably strained it.
C) Go home immediately and drive to the emergency room--it's probably knee cancer.

In the first question, what if you had slammed on the brakes? You would have crashed, causing a massive pile-up who knows how long, closing the tunnel for the rest of the afternoon until the accident could be cleaned up.

That's the what part of the question...here's the why: The reason for slamming on the brakes in the first situation would have been a misinterpretation of the facts. It's mistakenly following the logic of "brakelights mean stop." Black and white. (Or Red.) But really, seeing brakelights a few cars ahead more likely means that that car is slowing down. If that car is far enough ahead, you may not even need to take your foot off the gas!

I've said in another post that my brain doesn't often operate using linear thinking. The one inopportune time it does, though, is when I'm thinking like this, below:

The first line is a fact. The rest are interpretations of that fact, improper conclusions which are drawn from the prior conclusions, or unclear memories that I can't even confirm happened.

Fact: On Tuesday I walked my dog.
2. I put flea treatment on him a few days before Tuesday.
3. A little girl petted my dog.
4. I think I remember her petting him where the flea treatment was.
5. That little girl is going to put her fingers in her mouth.
6. She is going to get sick.
7. Her sickness will cause her to die.
8. I will be sued.
9. I will not be able to forgive myself.

Can you see where my logic fails? It happens in the space between nearly every so-called conclusion I make. By the end I've "concluded" myself into a scary situation, spiking my anxiety. If my OCD is bad enough at the time, I'll fixate on it and send myself into a deep depression.

When you find yourself thinking like this, don't jump to false conclusions. Think about the facts, and only the facts, if you want to live well with OCD.

Don't slam on your brakes.

The Beauty of OCD Friends

I posted a while ago I posted about the plusses of being part of an OCD support group. In honor of my group's upcoming summer picnic, I thought I'd talk about the benefits of making friends of your support group members.

• You look forward to seeing each other. For people with particularly debilitating OCD, or during times of intense struggle, seeing friends at my support group reminds me that OCD isn't all there is to my life. When I can look forward to hearing about what's going on in someone else's life, it takes the focus off of my own.
• You don't always have to talk about OCD. At the group, of course, the tendency is to talk about our afflictions. But sometimes that can get old, and sometimes we just want to talk about movies, our families, or our jobs. When you're genuinely friends with the people at your support group, it's easier to relate to each other on these more personal levels.
• You can go "way back." A number of the people with whom I attend the support group have known each other from other support groups, therapy sessions, and the like. This history creates a feeling of "I knew you when," whether the "when" was a hard time in someone's life, a good time in someone's life, or a benchmark for progress. The longer you attend support groups, the further back you'll go with the people there.
• You can relate. I recently made a friend outside of my OCD group with whom I can share my OCD struggles. She doesn't have OCD, but she can relate. In that way I know she understands me and how my mind works.

Here's to a fun-filled picnic this weekend!

Advice on Letting Go

Driving home today I realized how many times at work I heard myself say "It doesn't matter because next week I won't be here." Uncertainty about whether a project will be completed on time, discomfort over having unanswered questions, and frustration over a co-worker treating me poorly will all be moot points.

Three weeks ago it would not have been easy for me to say this--no matter what the reason! The only thing that changed in the meantime was getting the new job. When I finally got it, all the frustration and the pain became insignificant.

I thought about this and realized that in so many of my OCD worries I could use some help letting go. At my worst I'd lie awake, so late it's neither night nor morning, and repeat the phrase "I will not be tethered to this." In my delirium I even visualized myself chained to a large block of cement, willing the chain to break so that I could be freed from the worry that wracked my brain.

In my situation at work, I have a reason to let go of the worries--my new job. That's why it was so easy to do. Like a huge pair of scissors (or in the case of the worry that caused me to lose sleep, an industrial-sized pair of tin snips) focus on the new job severed my connection to the worry and frustration of the old one. Whatever happened in the past didn't matter. Whatever happens after I leave won't matter. The new job is so salient in my mind, and it affects everything about my current job, that it makes for a sharp, powerful weapon.

My challenge for you is this: Can you identify your scissors? What can you focus on so it's easier to let go?

New Job!

My recent posts were about job anxiety. I think that will subside now that I have a new job! But as I make the transition I'll be sure to post as to whether it spikes my OCD. I don't think it will...I'm so relieved to have found a better environment!