To Hell and....

...On my way back, hopefully?

My last post makes it seem as if things have been cheery and I've been alright. Not so. This was my WORST OCD episode yet, and it really threw me for a loop. I didn't do a very good job documenting it, but since my last post a lot has happened.

The episode has lasted for a month. I had been to the ER twice. I wasn't sleeping. I had been given Xanex, Ativan, and Restoril (not for use all at once, of course). When I tried to eat, I gagged and sometimes threw up. It was as if I was killing myself, but couldn't stop it.

As always, I felt dissociated. Nothing felt familiar to me. I wasn't me, my house wasn't my house, my husband felt unknown...all scary things. I couldn't control my thoughts. They were going where I didn't want them to go, threatening things most dear to me. Fear overtook me. I had thoughts of death, not that I would do anything to take my own life, but as the ER doctor said, "passive death wishes." If a car hit me on the highway it would have made things easier.

All this happened with the knowledge that it all wasn't real. Something had a hold of me, and I wasn't in control. Just a month ago my life was normal. I wanted it back.

I had been put on Prozac as a substitute for Celexa, the drug that has worked well for me in the past. I believe that the Prozac made me worse--not because it is a bad drug, but because it didn't work with my body chemistry for whatever reason. I have friends who have great success on Prozac, but you never know until you try, I guess. In any case, it had meant that I had lost about 3 weeks of recovery time. Now I'm back on Celexa and am glad that there is a drug that actually works for me. I'm praying it has the same effect it had in the past.

My anxiety had moved from my job to that of things I had obsessed about in the past, plus new things. It moved to scrupulosity, and made me feel apart from God, something that I'm still wrestling with. The job stress was still there, however, and I knew I would eventually need to make a decision: would I stay or leave? Was it good for me? Was I made for it? Probably not was the answer to all of those questions. I was at a standstill, unable to figure a way out of my predicament.

My husband, loving as he is, decided I needed to leave. So I did, and now I'm looking for something else.

He was right--taking my job out of the equation went a long way to helping me to deal with this episode. I still have OCD, but we've relieved one of the pressures. Instead of moping around the house I will be out job hunting, and it will be harder for my mind to be occupied with OCD worries.

On the Slow Upswing

Wow. Over the past few days I have nearly come full circle, but I'm coming back from a freakout...

The job stress was just part of the issue. The other part is some personal family stuff. The issues were all combined and tangled. Where I found peace with one aspect of the conundrum a month before (prompting me go to off meds), I found conflict with another. It all had to fit together or I would be totally lost.

When this happens, I feel life stop. I slept 40 minutes the other night, and I was spinning out of control. With no meds I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and then there's the lovely physical symptoms that come with panic attacks. When I wanted to sleep I felt horribly alone and panicked. When I tried to eat, I gagged. It's a vicious cycle. I felt like my mind was on overdrive, I couldn't think objectively, I was totally out of control and I couldn't shut my mind off. I hated today. I hated tomorrow. I imagined that it would be easier if someone would just wreck into me out on the road, put me in the hospital, and everything would come into perspective. I was scared that I had gotten this way so quickly, and I KNOW it's because of the stress at my job and mistakenly thinking I could handle it unmedicated.

I talked to everyone: My pastor, my parents, my husband. I took 3 days off work to get things together--I simply couldn't handle anything, and am still not ready to handle work stuff. I have to take care of me. Fortunately I was able to see my therapist yesterday, AND the medicine doctor, so I am on the right track. My therapist found a way that it all fits together--the family stuff, the meds, the work. Honestly, to God be the glory for that because I was utterly incapable of coming to the conclusion she came up with, and Husband likes it, too. It's a decision that gives me the most peace.

Everyone was telling me I had to go back on meds, but it didn't match up with the other part of the puzzle, the personal stuff. I was afraid it meant that I was simply going back on meds in order to work at a job that I find overwhelming anyway. But my therapist helped me to see the big picture. The important thing I learned is that if I ever plan to be unmedicated, I have to take a less-stressful job, and I am 100% ok with that.

Last night I went to a sporting event after not working all day and not having slept more than 40 minutes in 38 hours. It was a good distraction, but work stuff was still on my mind. I had hope in knowing that in a few days I'll have more meds in my system. (I actually am trying a new kind this time.) When we got home I took an Ativan as recommended by my doctor and slept last night. I didn't even hear my husband get up this morning for work until he kissed me on the forehead when he left. I tend to fear sleeping pills and medicine of that type, but I know that I need sleep to start to heal the damage I've caused over the past few days. I'm actually hungry, too!

Some readers of this blog have said that OCD follows you everywhere. Indeed it does. When it is time to take a lesser paying job, I will surely encounter stresses, but my thinking is that they are of a more manageable scale.

Today work is still on my mind, and I keep fighting to let it go. At this point I think I just have to accept that, and use my tools that my therapist gave me when it comes up. I'm tired, but I won't take an Ativan until tonight because I think it's smart to stay on a normal sleep routine.

There is a spiritual aspect that I've realized, too. It always feels like I learn it and re-learn it, but I have never committed to it. I need to learn to relinquish control to God. He created me, He knows what I need, and the whole of my life is in his hands. My pastor says something that I like: "Don't finish God's story." I guess I never realized how much of a perfectionist control freak I am. I mean, from my perspective, I'm in the driver's seat! I'm hoping someone will step out in front of me who is willing to help me learn to surrender.

Totally Freaking Out

I am off my meds. They are completely out of my system. I can't handle job stress anymore. I am completely overwhelmed with work and feel that there is a huge responsibility on me to get everything correct. I have tasks upon tasks and I can't stop thinking about them. I have not slept tonight, and barely the night before that.

I don't even know how I got to this point. Work responsibilities have been ramping up, and I've been frazzled since November. At first it felt invigorating to be so busy--"Wow, look at all the work I can do! I feel alive!" But now I'm worn out.

I have spoken to everyone I know about it: My husband, my pastor, my mom and my in-laws. All have differing opinions on what I should be doing, but the only thing I feel like doing is leaving the job because I don't think I can handle it off my meds.

But then the question creeps in, "What if I leave and it doesn't get better?" Do I need to leave and attend an intensive outpatient program at a Psychiatric Institute nearby? Will it help? It will be expensive...

What do I do today? Do I go to work after not sleeping and use the tactics my pastor thinks will help me get through the day, like definitely taking a lunch, talking to my bosses about my stress, and walking around the office throughout the day? Am I not cut out for a job so trying now that I'm off my meds? Should I look for something more menial? Can we afford it? Will my husband and family be upset with me?

I pray about this all. God has shown me passages in the Bible that echo what I'm feeling, but I'm not sure where he is in all of this. I know my fears surround "finishing God's story for my life," or chasing fears down a path into the future that only He can control. I really want to know that in my soul, but OCD wants me to have control.

I don't think I am fit to go to work today, but I don't know what I would do otherwise. Wallow like I have done all night? Maybe I should go. I will at least be able to get more work done....but then I am bringing work into the picture again.

What would you do?