It's Getting Sticky...

"How do you let things go?" a good friend, Carly, asked. I was embarassed that I didn't have a clear cut answer.

Now, a month after I've started stepping down off my meds and my responsibilities at work are ramping up, the "things" I'm having trouble letting go of are work-related. Work thoughts are getting sticky.

It's not "OMG someone is going to get hurt because of me," but it's trending toward the same types of thoughts. What if I make a mistake that costs more than my own time? What if we lose a customer because of me? Gotta think of all the things I need to do.

It's difficult to leave work at work, and it's upsetting that work issues are more salient in my mind than Christmas is right now. I want to be excited, not stressed. When I realize that at 6:00 in the evening after a rough 9 hours, it makes me angry. I want control of my emotions, whether they be related to OCD fears or not.

But Carly had the answer for me without realizing it. The key isn't control, but relinquishing control. That's what I need to work on.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Next up I'm going to think of some concreate ways that I can do it.

Advice on Letting Go

Driving home today I realized how many times at work I heard myself say "It doesn't matter because next week I won't be here." Uncertainty about whether a project will be completed on time, discomfort over having unanswered questions, and frustration over a co-worker treating me poorly will all be moot points.

Three weeks ago it would not have been easy for me to say this--no matter what the reason! The only thing that changed in the meantime was getting the new job. When I finally got it, all the frustration and the pain became insignificant.

I thought about this and realized that in so many of my OCD worries I could use some help letting go. At my worst I'd lie awake, so late it's neither night nor morning, and repeat the phrase "I will not be tethered to this." In my delirium I even visualized myself chained to a large block of cement, willing the chain to break so that I could be freed from the worry that wracked my brain.

In my situation at work, I have a reason to let go of the worries--my new job. That's why it was so easy to do. Like a huge pair of scissors (or in the case of the worry that caused me to lose sleep, an industrial-sized pair of tin snips) focus on the new job severed my connection to the worry and frustration of the old one. Whatever happened in the past didn't matter. Whatever happens after I leave won't matter. The new job is so salient in my mind, and it affects everything about my current job, that it makes for a sharp, powerful weapon.

My challenge for you is this: Can you identify your scissors? What can you focus on so it's easier to let go?